“She dreamt of people she could never be and adventures she would never have”

How is it possible to miss something that I’ve never had?

I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately; I constantly find myself daydreaming about places I’ve never been, people I’ve never met, and adventures I’ve never experienced, and I just wonder … how can that be possible? I have never been in love – I’ve never even had a boyfriend – and yet, my heart aches for that feeling, a feeling that I have never even known.

I suppose this desire could be traced back to the book lover inside of me; I have read so many epic love stories that it is as if I have actually lived them … except, instead of living happily ever after with my soulmate at the end, I am left alone with only the words that someone else has written to keep me company.

I have always been the girl that would rather talk about books than the outside world; books have been my escape and my solace from the troubles of my real life. In books, I found my best friends and my worst enemies and my soulmates and every version of myself that I could ever possibly hope to become.

The thing that I love, and hate, most about reading is that I find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with inside every book I experience. From every single book I have ever read, I have taken my favourite traits from every character and created this unrealistic version of my perfect soulmate that I will never find. It seems ridiculous that I have gotten so worked up and upset over the fact that this “person” couldn’t possible exist in my own world; it seems so unfair, like the worst form of torture, that an author could put such a perfect yet unattainable image into my head when I will never be able to touch it.

I want to love and be loved; I want to fall so madly, insanely, completely in love with another human being that it hurts. I am an extremely indecisive person and, though I have changed my mind about what I want to be when I grow up too many times to count, the one thing I have always been certain of is that I want to be in love. I have seen enough relationships fall apart around me to know that I want to fall in love and never fall out of it. I have never experienced that feeling, that passion before, but I think I’ve read enough novels to know what it should be.

I want to believe in love at first sight, that I could look into a stranger’s eyes across a crowded place and somehow know that we were meant to be. I want to feel a tingling all the way in my toes when his lips touch mine for the first time – and for the thousandth time. I want to argue and be challenged; I want to love him unconditionally even when I hate him passionately. I want to be spontaneous and have unimaginable adventures to tell our grandchildren about. I want to look into his eyes and know that there is no other person in the world that he would rather spend the entire day in bed with. I want to be so immensely in love with him that people can tell when we walk down the street together and be envious of a love like ours, a love out of the fairytales. I want him to pull me into his arms and know that there is no place on earth in which I fit better.

There are too many mediocre and temporary things in this world; love shouldn’t be one of them. With all the terrible things that have happened in the world and in my own life, love is the one thing that I have left to hold onto. I refuse to settle for a love that isn’t all-consuming, that doesn’t make me feel like the world could explode from our kiss alone.

I think this is both my biggest strength and my greatest downfall; my strength because I know that when I do find that person, we will be unbreakable, but my weakness because I can spend a lot of time looking for that person in the wrong people and, when they don’t align with the image in my head, I cut them off without a backwards glance. I want to be the girl that is loved by the world, but I just don’t think it’s possible for the world to love someone that it doesn’t even know – and we all know that I’m not very good at letting people get to know me.

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